Radio 4. The Today programme on 24th/9/2015 had Sarah Montague do the fluffy ‘feel good’ end of programme piece as she spoke about a new Muppet show production. Mr. Noughty compelled to have the last word made some assinine comment about Statler and Waldorf. Montague laughed heartily. Could someone tell the ‘luvvies’ that these moments […]

to be or not TV

We have tried before to cancel what is laughingly called multichannel TV.
Previously NTL now global giant UPC were all over us like poor tailoring urging us to stay.
Customer loyalty inspired them to throw this or that in for free. ‘Please don’t leave us’ was their refrain.
“But I don’t want TV advertising interrupted by programmes, I said”.

So a new contract was agreed just to keep everyone happy and a  window on the world
18 months later a few hard-working persons from India; Malaysia; Philipines were assigned to explain how the latest excessive charges arose. I explained politely to Manela and Indira what I had written at length for more local attention without reply. At
least the 1908 call gave me a telephonic experience of the sub-continent.


Arrangements were made for call back time and dates. When none were honoured; I volunteered to transport all equipent to HQ which is conveniently on the end of a very long Quay in Dublin 100 miles away.  At least it wasn’t to Mumbai or Manilla.
The independent collecting company couldn’t manage to ‘collect’ on certain
days. They also couldn’t return calls for suitable time-dates, twice! The
folks who bill nowadays address me with my christian name while formally giving themselves full title or anonymity.  Curious how corporations do that. That’s unfair to begin with.

So 4 weeks on, the silver lining is that with only BBC Radio 4 my work rate has exponentially grown.  I’m  no longer bombarded by images overheating the hippocampus subliminally and I’m  re-discovering the breath of naturally induced imagination by wireless.
The cloud with the silver lining however is that UPC left RTE Tv 1 on, so that they could claim a service rendered. If there is a sign of terminal decline in civilisation it’s that.

Incidentally I agree in paying for water  but I will do jail time before falling to the  intimidation of UPC

Update. For the third time in as many months I have agreed to pay beyond what was agreed so as UPC’s billing system will take note of discounts. All this nonsense!  ‘Who are they foolin’?   US?     CGI red trucks with golden oldie Mr. Branson are only a front for brutal shareholding corporate incompetence.

Oirish Me Dee O’Crity. More….


Sometimes when flipping through the stations of adverts interupted by inducements, I mistakingly alight at RTE.  I stay momentarily to see what depths have been plundered on Random Tedious Eflluvia of late.

Some while ago the usual self-serving triple job types were taxi-cabbed into Montrose to give their views.

Eamon of the Delaneys (once a Celebrity magazine editor) opined that the German offer to take a very large group of Syrian refugees was a reaction of sorts to WW 2. No doubt the chin-less one who has the visage of a molested Etonian had this risable junior cetificate view of history prepared for days. He was pleased as ever with himself

Mir o’ Cal thanked him at the conclusion and informed her people that Eamo was a former government official.  I didn’t know that!  If you can’t laugh-you’d cry.

Banking locally and Local *ankers

Today advert agencies are displaying their clients ie banks and bankers as kind and caring with such slogans as AIB’s ‘we support the heroes’. How nice.
You would imagine some folks might be wary of such flattery. Since 2008, you’d be certain that most people would ‘see through’ this bluff. Evidently not. Banks wouldn’t throw their-I mean-our cash at expensive sloganising without knowing that such flattery works.

Speaking of Banks. At the time of the great bewilderment after the debacle of 2008 when ‘Occupy’ was all the rage, and one chapter of it had their camps opposite AIB in the town I am currently exiled in (lowly Waterford). The inevitable end came some months later when the Occupy crowd found the whole jamboree esprit de corps had become a boring jam of freezing corps

The eviction had hardly concluded when the aforesaid Bank on Waterford Quay had a promotion in store. AIB had on display one mid-size self-assembly green tent with all the paraphernalia to survive a cold night in the Comeraghs.
Could you credit it?  Yes they’re a bank!

A few years from ‘Da Oirish Debacle’ I was still with AIB. Tired of being charged for every transaction I decided to move 400 metres to EBS. Shouldn’t be a problem I hoped. By 2013/4 staff at AIB the Quay had gone into hiding or had been handsomely retired. Anyway there were automatic devices to keep the hoi polloi away from staff.

I went to the desk to enquire about termination and a transfer. There are times when intuitively you know you should wait for someone else or ask for a second opinion. The person I was left with was the type who see themselves as working beneath their grade. This was further perverse as she demonstrated it was above her capabilities.


Ms Tina & Willie Boy must be  related



For the disruption she caused, I unhesitatingly say she was a post-menapausal unusually ugly tall washed-out blonde called Tina. (not even a decent full name).
Up the road an EBS lady dutifully ticked the boxes which required filling. AIB Tina however with all the haughtiness she displayed thrice to me over 10 years opined that all that was required was my signature and implied that I should be able to achieve that feat. So as not to push her over her edge I went back to the EBS.

After an hour and 20 minutes and several walks up and down the broadway of Waterford town, Tina still maintained that her minimal light touch to her duties was sufficient when clearly her colleagues thought otherwise. She scurried to her branch manager who excessively defended her.  The BM herself then  took an inordinate amount of time herself to understand the need for  BIC and IBAN numbers.  She finished  all with a flourish of her signature.

2 hours!  That’s just for the client to deliver papers from one irish bank to another within 300 metres of one another. Actual transfer of the clients cash in this electronic age took more than 2 weeks.

Did it end there?

On another occasion I was passing by the general area of Miss AIB Tina and overheard her say to some other poor customer “I really couldn’t tell you about that”
I interjected “there doesn’t seem to be much that you do know”

And I left.

Two weeks later, I was returning from the nation’s capital to be informed that two Garda had called to my residence.  Evidently the long arm of the law respond quickly to the short arm of bankerdom.

Would Gardaí turn up as expeditiously at Ms.Tina’s door if a client complained. They would have had more reason to do so. ” Ms. Tina we are advising you to desist from impersonating a professional banker in the guise of a useless article. Anything you do say will be taken down and treated like the tissue of lies it is”

Just for the record, I get along with most people.  This Tina AIB local banker had no interpersonal ability or emotional intelligence or none short of a withered hyena, transfering  her frustrations on an  unsuspecting public.

addendum *For a year despite e-mails and personal visits to local Garda station, no
explanation was forthcoming and no sign of Waterford’s version of postal  Starsky & Hutch.

Actually it got a lot worse but I won’t waste further time on it.

No doubt Ms. Tina  is still coasting her way to a pension with minimal effort.

 2/9/2017  What’s the difference between the Deise and Daesh

the latter low-lifes Daesh or al-Dawla al-Islamiya fi al-Iraq wa al-Sham have had some conviction in their battles for a short time.

 Both are hyped up excitable brutal tribes with little or no reason to be proud of themselves (coming through the back and side doors or generally by unorthodox routes ) .



WHERE ELSE COULD YOU GET ALL THIS ****IN ONE PLACE?   You’re welcome to them.



Who needs a laughter track. The Late Show doesn’t. It just gives free tickets out to the gormless herd. They are primed to laugh at nothing much!    It seemed impossible to make LLS more  vacuous than in the decade when PK* held the reins by weekly doing an  impression of wood.  Someone called Turd bridy has made the impossible possible.

*PK.   A Max Planck!  He remains the best thermal engineer broadcaster in Ireland.


Turd bridy.   When the Queen left him at the Guinness Hop Store-she was heard to say “”Fillip! Who is that bloody idiot.  Is he the best they can do?  They say he was educated at what these Irish call a public school.  Blackrock, was it?  All that expense for a minor Arts degree in Classical history.  He is less qualified than our Edward.

Her spouse replied. Yes dear,  it appears to be the case. The O’Connell St Spire he showed us in the distance is somewhat ironic.  He is the prick!   But not inspiring.

Queen Lizzie was heard to titter   “Oh Fillip-you are so funny.  Unlike —-him” Who is he again?

Phil the Greek muttered  “Lilliebeth the question is WHY”


The Matron of Shrill or the  week-end only working highest earning broadcaster lady in the western world namely Marian at RTE gave another Urbi et Orbi pronouncement of hers “all the world now has a cell phone”. The inference that one would cease to exist without it.

As a lady friend in a demanding job said to me awhile back -“Why would I need it. To be on-call after work?

Mobile phones and now the sarcastically titled Smart-phone.  Indeed!   They are also mini-surveillance devices.  Pictures of granny knitting is traceable! The night you cheated on your wife  while your granny was knitting is also on record.  That and  the dielectric heating. The guy Marty Cooper who is responsible for the first phone bricks has stated in his law ” that the maximum number of voice conversations or equivalent data transactions that can be conducted in all of the useful radio spectrum over a given area doubles every 30 months” Marty didn’t say that they would be a maximum number of useful or interesting  voice communications





Since Obama said “above my pay grade”   it has become the currency within media circles to say the same.  Usually when confronted with a question they would prefer not show they hadn’t an answer for.    Spoken by folk who would never have used such a plebian term before.

Do you want more asinine media speak?  

What part don’t you understand

Road map

Moving forward

Tipping point



On the same page

Silver bullet

Out of the box

Strategic plan

Mission Statement

At the end of the day

Conspiracy theories

That being said

Yes, we can

The fact is

Get over it

Reality check

be afraid be very afraid (this is assy asinine

quoting a moovie strapline) oft used by eh…



or the  out-stayed overpaid



Wake up call

Skill set

Around the clock

As a matter of fact

Outside the box

Between the lines

Way forward

It is what it is

Point in time

Up to speed

Having said that

Wake up call


WE HAVE NO SHAME.  We will carry promo logos on our willies if Mr. OB tells us.
WE HAVE NO SHAME. We will carry promo logos on our willies if Mr. OB tells us.


Bring it on

Jaw dropping

Have an issue

Bring closure

Day one

Fair game

New world order

going forward

Vision statement

Word on the street

Mixed bag

Paradigm shift

Exit strategy

Now more than ever

Show stopper

Window of opportunity

Collateral damage

Raise the bar

Any way, shape or form

Game changer

Continue the conversation

Smoking gun

No child left behind

Fair and balanced

Perfect world

Par for the course

Reinvent the wheel

Famously said


Tantamount to

At this moment in time

Mixed message







team player













DARWIN would be pleased at least.
DARWIN would be pleased at least.










Track record

You know what

Move on

No problem

Main Street

World class

Game changer

Cutting edge

Bottom line

State of the art

Best practices

At the end of the day


Flash mob

Man up

Wow factor

Live life to the fullest

In all honesty

Take full responsibility

Those were the days

Zero sum

Defining moment

Begs the question

One thing is certain

Hard look

On the same page

Post 9/11

Push the envelope


Group think

Like, you know

National conversation

Blame game

Street cred

Stay the course

Sweeping changes

Monitoring the situation

Money shot

End of the world as we know it

Not rocket science

With all due respect

Step up to the plate

Regime change

Level playing field

Final analysis

On message

Sea change

The rest is history

Reigned in

No doubt in my mind

Cut and run

With open arms





In harm’s way

Happy accident

Unexpected consequences

A ha moment

Perfect storm


Tipping point

Politically correct

Blue sky thinking

Dancing in the streets

Recent studies have shown


culture wars

Let’s roll

Be afraid, be very afraid

Hasta la vista, baby

We’re number one

Resident expert

Mistakes were made

It should be obvious

Shot across the bow

Blank check

Shock and awe

Ducks in a row

Bring your A-game

At this moment in time

Unexpected consequences

Happy accident

Bring(ing) closure

I’m just sayin’

What part don’t you understand

Put it behind us

Got that on my radar

Palpable excitement

Let’s touch base

Moving the conversation forward

Closing the circle


all wrapped up with chumminess such as ‘get in touch won’t you by Facef**k or Tw*tter.


Contemporary speech is delivered with inflected questioning tone. The affliction I suspect a consequence of current broadcasters being babysat and reared on Aussie and US soaps since the 1980’s. Hybrid accents somewhere between Sydney NSW and Orange County LA are endemic.  Is that the end of mick?

There is no excuse for older news mongers;  politicians; presenters;  or politicians cum presenters,  having this affectation. A few Oirish cannot broadcast without all of these phrases, and tone.

To finish (for now)

I heard a media business person say ” 9 million people flew Aer Lingus”. Surely it ought to be reported as “Aer Lingus was flown 9 million times. Incidentally some even flew more than once.

Technically we must discount that any person ever flew.  The airoplane did!  Ask Orville or Wilbur.  Nor do people travel. Ask Vasco de Gama or Marco Polo.  <I say ask but if they were alive they’d be puzzled too> The people who were transported by jet propelled vehicles,  sat, ate, shat, snoozed and with few exceptions,  looked at some ‘moovee’






EcoNoMics-It ain’t funny

The Oracle of Irish economics, Mr.Williams, with remarkable  hindsight in 2011/12/13/14 warned all of the 2008 bubble.  He had more foresight moreover by making a money-making duster out of a liquidated rag since.  He set up a part economic part comedy fest with the nomer Kilkenomics or something like that.  A few years back I was crossing the Rice Bridge in a neighbouring county to travel to Kilkenny ca.2011, when a sign read ‘Please give Blood’. I stopped to frame a photograph while risking being late for the train or  hit by automobile.  It was apt for the  time and place

Anyhow back to real humour

Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and is likely to go for a song. Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks; 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

The contributer is not identified.


Led me to thinking of military humour and how it applies to the spoiled Oirish triplets of politics, media and banking

SNAFU situation normal-all f**ked up

FUBAR f**ked up beyond all recognition

ROMA Data Right Out of My Ass Data.

SWAG scientific wild ass guess

SSDD – Same Shit Different Day

SSDDBS – Same Shit Different Day Bigger Shovel

TUTango Uniform Tits Up

TARFU – Things Are Really Fucked Up-or Totally And Royally Fucked Up

and as the aforementioned  *ankers leave for their monthly vacations and ultimately in later years for a retreat somewhere not too hot nor cold but just nice; they’ll whisper on their way to first class boarding

FUYOYO f**k you you’re on your own!



Inventive short documentary



Our Oirish  government levy on plastic bags was a great dissuader. Not many policies are useful just like the politicians themselves, but this 12 cent charge has had an appreciable effect.
It was discussed ad nauseum for years and caused outrage among the mass of consumers and con summed one too, but mirabile dictu it is now  part but not parcel 🙂 of everyday shopping here.  You’d still see clodhoppers forgetting their ‘bag for life’ and buying several only to dispose of them again later.  Often the same type of yokel who load their trolley before paying the cashier. Then realising they forgot something return to pay with something other than cash,  and with much ado.

I digress.  Back to the other type of bags. Polythene etc.

I noticed in the US, UK; and swathes of Europe (the latter, which I had assumed were well instructed on such matters) that their plastic bags were free to use per item despite being pre-wrapped in many cases.
A little operant conditioning is needed. Humans,  even the less evolved genus today, can be trained in small ways not to be wasteful.   They can be induced to shop without plastic bags just as they had been convinced  to shop in the first instance.
Last word for now on the disposable society.  By all means dispose of this type of society.
Such wanton consumerism will rebound later or ……..sooner.