Radio 4. The Today programme on 24th/9/2015 had Sarah Montague do the fluffy ‘feel good’ end of programme piece as she spoke about a new Muppet show production. Mr. Noughty compelled to have the last word made some assinine comment about Statler and Waldorf. Montague laughed heartily. Could someone tell the ‘luvvies’ that these moments […]
We have tried before to cancel what is laughingly called multichannel TV.
Previously NTL now global giant UPC were all over us like poor tailoring urging us to stay.
Customer loyalty inspired them to throw this or that in for free. ‘Please don’t leave us’ was their refrain.
“But I don’t want TV advertising interrupted by programmes, I said”.
So a new contract was agreed just to keep everyone happy and a window on the world
18 months later a few hard-working persons from India; Malaysia; Philipines were assigned to explain how the latest excessive charges arose. I explained politely to Manela and Indira what I had written at length for more local attention without reply. At
least the 1908 call gave me a telephonic experience of the sub-continent.
Arrangements were made for call back time and dates. When none were honoured; I volunteered to transport all equipent to HQ which is conveniently on the end of a very long Quay in Dublin 100 miles away. At least it wasn’t to Mumbai or Manilla.
The independent collecting company couldn’t manage to ‘collect’ on certain
days. They also couldn’t return calls for suitable time-dates, twice! The
folks who bill nowadays address me with my christian name while formally giving themselves full title or anonymity. Curious how corporations do that. That’s unfair to begin with.
So 4 weeks on, the silver lining is that with only BBC Radio 4 my work rate has exponentially grown. I’m no longer bombarded by images overheating the hippocampus subliminally and I’m re-discovering the breath of naturally induced imagination by wireless.
The cloud with the silver lining however is that UPC left RTE Tv 1 on, so that they could claim a service rendered. If there is a sign of terminal decline in civilisation it’s that.
Incidentally I agree in paying for water but I will do jail time before falling to the intimidation of UPC
Update. For the third time in as many months I have agreed to pay beyond what was agreed so as UPC’s billing system will take note of discounts. All this nonsense! ‘Who are they foolin’? US? CGI red trucks with golden oldie Mr. Branson are only a front for brutal shareholding corporate incompetence.
Sometimes when flipping through the stations of adverts interupted by inducements, I mistakingly alight at RTE. I stay momentarily to see what depths have been plundered on Random Tedious Eflluvia of late.
Some while ago the usual self-serving triple job types were taxi-cabbed into Montrose to give their views.
Eamon of the Delaneys (once a Celebrity magazine editor) opined that the German offer to take a very large group of Syrian refugees was a reaction of sorts to WW 2. No doubt the chin-less one who has the visage of a molested Etonian had this risable junior cetificate view of history prepared for days. He was pleased as ever with himself
Mir o’ Cal thanked him at the conclusion and informed her people that Eamo was a former government official. I didn’t know that! If you can’t laugh-you’d cry.
Today advert agencies are displaying their clients ie banks and bankers as kind and caring with such slogans as AIB’s ‘we support the heroes’. How nice.
You would imagine some folks might be wary of such flattery. Since 2008, you’d be certain that most people would ‘see through’ this bluff. Evidently not. Banks wouldn’t throw their-I mean-our cash at expensive sloganising without knowing that such flattery works.
Speaking of Banks. At the time of the great bewilderment after the debacle of 2008 when ‘Occupy’ was all the rage, and one chapter of it had their camps opposite AIB in the town I am currently exiled in (lowly Waterford). The inevitable end came some months later when the Occupy crowd found the whole jamboree esprit de corps had become a boring jam of freezing corps
The eviction had hardly concluded when the aforesaid Bank on Waterford Quay had a promotion in store. AIB had on display one mid-size self-assembly green tent with all the paraphernalia to survive a cold night in the Comeraghs.
Could you credit it? Yes they’re a bank!
A few years from ‘Da Oirish Debacle’ I was still with AIB. Tired of being charged for every transaction I decided to move 400 metres to EBS. Shouldn’t be a problem I hoped. By 2013/4 staff at AIB the Quay had gone into hiding or had been handsomely retired. Anyway there were automatic devices to keep the hoi polloi away from staff.
I went to the desk to enquire about termination and a transfer. There are times when intuitively you know you should wait for someone else or ask for a second opinion. The person I was left with was the type who see themselves as working beneath their grade. This was further perverse as she demonstrated it was above her capabilities.
For the disruption she caused, I unhesitatingly say she was a post-menapausal unusually ugly tall washed-out blonde called Tina. (not even a decent full name).
Up the road an EBS lady dutifully ticked the boxes which required filling. AIB Tina however with all the haughtiness she displayed thrice to me over 10 years opined that all that was required was my signature and implied that I should be able to achieve that feat. So as not to push her over her edge I went back to the EBS.
After an hour and 20 minutes and several walks up and down the broadway of Waterford town, Tina still maintained that her minimal light touch to her duties was sufficient when clearly her colleagues thought otherwise. She scurried to her branch manager who excessively defended her. The BM herself then took an inordinate amount of time herself to understand the need for BIC and IBAN numbers. She finished all with a flourish of her signature.
2 hours! That’s just for the client to deliver papers from one irish bank to another within 300 metres of one another. Actual transfer of the clients cash in this electronic age took more than 2 weeks.
Did it end there?
On another occasion I was passing by the general area of Miss AIB Tina and overheard her say to some other poor customer “I really couldn’t tell you about that”
I interjected “there doesn’t seem to be much that you do know”
And I left.
Two weeks later, I was returning from the nation’s capital to be informed that two Garda had called to my residence. Evidently the long arm of the law respond quickly to the short arm of bankerdom.
Would Gardaí turn up as expeditiously at Ms.Tina’s door if a client complained. They would have had more reason to do so. ” Ms. Tina we are advising you to desist from impersonating a professional banker in the guise of a useless article. Anything you do say will be taken down and treated like the tissue of lies it is”
Just for the record, I get along with most people. This Tina AIB local banker had no interpersonal ability or emotional intelligence or none short of a withered hyena, transfering her frustrations on an unsuspecting public.
addendum *For a year despite e-mails and personal visits to local Garda station, no
explanation was forthcoming and no sign of Waterford’s version of postal Starsky & Hutch.
Actually it got a lot worse but I won’t waste further time on it.
No doubt Ms. Tina is still coasting her way to a pension with minimal effort.
Who needs a laughter track. The Late Show doesn’t. It just gives free tickets out to the gormless herd. They are primed to laugh at nothing much! It seemed impossible to make LLS more vacuous than in the decade when PK* held the reins by weekly doing an impression of wood. Someone called Turd bridy has made the impossible possible.
*PK. A Max Planck! He remains the best thermal engineer broadcaster in Ireland.
Turd bridy. When the Queen left him at the Guinness Hop Store-she was heard to say “”Fillip! Who is that bloody idiot. Is he the best they can do? They say he was educated at what these Irish call a public school. Blackrock, was it? All that expense for a minor Arts degree in Classical history. He is less qualified than our Edward.
Her spouse replied. Yes dear, it appears to be the case. The O’Connell St Spire he showed us in the distance is somewhat ironic. He is the prick! But not inspiring.
Queen Lizzie was heard to titter “Oh Fillip-you are so funny. Unlike —-him” Who is he again?
Phil the Greek muttered “Lilliebeth the question is WHY”
The Matron of Shrill or the week-end only working highest earning broadcaster lady in the western world namely Marian at RTE gave another Urbi et Orbipronouncement of hers “all the world now has a cell phone”. The inference that one would cease to exist without it.
As a lady friend in a demanding job said to me awhile back -“Why would I need it. To be on-call after work?
Mobile phones and now the sarcastically titled Smart-phone. Indeed! They are also mini-surveillance devices. Pictures of granny knitting is traceable! The night you cheated on your wife while your granny was knitting is also on record. That and the dielectric heating. The guy Marty Cooper who is responsible for the first phone bricks has stated in his law ” that the maximum number of voice conversations or equivalent data transactions that can be conducted in all of the useful radio spectrum over a given area doubles every 30 months” Marty didn’t say that they would be a maximum number of useful or interesting voice communications
FAZED by PHRASES
Since Obama said “above my pay grade” it has become the currency within media circles to say the same. Usually when confronted with a question they would prefer not show they hadn’t an answer for. Spoken by folk who would never have used such a plebian term before.
Do you want more asinine media speak?
What part don’t you understand
On the same page
Out of the box
At the end of the day
That being said
Yes, we can
The fact is
Get over it
be afraid be very afraid (this is assy asinine
quoting a moovie strapline) oft used by eh…
or the out-stayed overpaid
Wake up call
Around the clock
As a matter of fact
Outside the box
Between the lines
It is what it is
Point in time
Up to speed
Having said that
Wake up call
Bring it on
Have an issue
New world order
Word on the street
Now more than ever
Window of opportunity
Raise the bar
Any way, shape or form
Continue the conversation
No child left behind
Fair and balanced
Par for the course
Reinvent the wheel
At this moment in time
You know what
State of the art
At the end of the day
Live life to the fullest
In all honesty
Take full responsibility
Those were the days
Begs the question
One thing is certain
On the same page
Push the envelope
Like, you know
Stay the course
Monitoring the situation
End of the world as we know it
Not rocket science
With all due respect
Step up to the plate
Level playing field
The rest is history
No doubt in my mind
Cut and run
With open arms
In harm’s way
A ha moment
Blue sky thinking
Dancing in the streets
Recent studies have shown
Be afraid, be very afraid
Hasta la vista, baby
We’re number one
Mistakes were made
It should be obvious
Shot across the bow
Shock and awe
Ducks in a row
Bring your A-game
At this moment in time
I’m just sayin’
What part don’t you understand
Put it behind us
Got that on my radar
Let’s touch base
Moving the conversation forward
Closing the circle
all wrapped up with chumminess such as ‘get in touch won’t you by Facef**k or Tw*tter.
Contemporary speech is delivered with inflected questioning tone. The affliction I suspect a consequence of current broadcasters being babysat and reared on Aussie and US soaps since the 1980’s. Hybrid accents somewhere between Sydney NSW and Orange County LA are endemic. Is that the end of mick?
There is no excuse for older news mongers; politicians; presenters; or politicians cum presenters, having this affectation. A few Oirish cannot broadcast without all of these phrases, and tone.
To finish (for now)
I heard a media business person say ” 9 million people flew Aer Lingus”. Surely it ought to be reported as “Aer Lingus was flown 9 million times. Incidentally some even flew more than once.
Technically we must discount that any person ever flew. The airoplane did! Ask Orville or Wilbur. Nor do people travel. Ask Vasco de Gama or Marco Polo. <I say ask but if they were alive they’d be puzzled too> The people who were transported by jet propelled vehicles, sat, ate, shat, snoozed and with few exceptions, looked at some ‘moovee’
The Oracle of Irish economics, Mr.Williams, with remarkable hindsight in 2011/12/13/14 warned all of the 2008 bubble. He had more foresight moreover by making a money-making duster out of a liquidated rag since. He set up a part economic part comedy fest with the nomer Kilkenomics or something like that. A few years back I was crossing the Rice Bridge in a neighbouring county to travel to Kilkenny ca.2011, when a sign read ‘Please give Blood’. I stopped to frame a photograph while risking being late for the train or hit by automobile. It was apt for the time and place
Anyhow back to real humour
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and is likely to go for a song. Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks; 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
The contributer is not identified.
Led me to thinking of military humour and how it applies to the spoiled Oirish triplets of politics, media and banking
SNAFU situation normal-all f**ked up
FUBAR f**ked up beyond all recognition
ROMA Data Right Out of My Ass Data.
SWAG scientific wild ass guess
SSDD – Same Shit Different Day
SSDDBS – Same Shit Different Day Bigger Shovel
TU – Tango Uniform Tits Up
TARFU – Things Are Really Fucked Up-or Totally And Royally Fucked Up
and as the aforementioned *ankers leave for their monthly vacations and ultimately in later years for a retreat somewhere not too hot nor cold but just nice; they’ll whisper on their way to first class boarding
Our Oirish government levy on plastic bags was a great dissuader. Not many policies are useful just like the politicians themselves, but this 12 cent charge has had an appreciable effect.
It was discussed ad nauseum for years and caused outrage among the mass of consumers and con summed one too, but mirabile dictu it is now part but not parcel 🙂 of everyday shopping here. You’d still see clodhoppers forgetting their ‘bag for life’ and buying several only to dispose of them again later. Often the same type of yokel who load their trolley before paying the cashier. Then realising they forgot something return to pay with something other than cash, and with much ado.
I digress. Back to the other type of bags. Polythene etc.
I noticed in the US, UK; and swathes of Europe (the latter, which I had assumed were well instructed on such matters) that their plastic bags were free to use per item despite being pre-wrapped in many cases.
A little operant conditioning is needed. Humans, even the less evolved genus today, can be trained in small ways not to be wasteful. They can be induced to shop without plastic bags just as they had been convinced to shop in the first instance.
Last word for now on the disposable society. By all means dispose of this type of society.
Such wanton consumerism will rebound later or ……..sooner.